War Within

The following story contain graphic violence, mutilation, profanity, nudity, sex scenes, drug/alcohol abuse and sexual abuse. Please read at your own risk.

Part I

  Memories flooded inside the darkness that had begun to engulf the victim of a crude nightmare. Illusions, feelings, all of it, it was fake. Not real. It couldn't be. But it all felt so real, like life flashing before one's eyes. Only this life was dark, sinister… evil.
  Blood flowed in dark circular patterns before his optic sensors, making them open, his lips parting and almost trembling as he made a feared breath. It was like his spark was being torn out, though his optics were taking the Armageddon. Everything was so odd… so surreal, and yet so damn realistic that his breathing was rapid, his hands clenching, and even worse; his spark cramping so tight that it felt as if he would die of fright.
  Megatron's optics snapped online, his chest panting up and down. Looking around the room, his optics focused on the other being inside the area. Karmashock. He tried to move his arms, but realised that he was being held down by thick straps around his wrist. So, instead, he arched his back and gave a groan of frustration.
  After Shockwave's disappearance, Megatron had come right back to the Ark. Almost being in hysterics, though, Karmashock had no choice but to sedate him. He had put up a rough fight, and had hit someone somewhere, but in the end, sedation was for the best. Even he knew that.
  Before he was knocked out, he had heard Karmashock tell Prime to alert the guards on Cybertron of the situation and who it involved. Unfortunately, he didn't know of how long he had been knocked out for—or what was going on anymore.

  "Megatron, you're awake. How're you feelin'?" the therapist asked in his thick Australian accent as he unbuckled the straps around the other.

  Watching as Karmashock undid the straps, he had to admit that confusion washed over him. Why was he letting him loose? Gammaray would never let him loose when he woke up. Then again, he couldn't remember being strapped down when he had been sedated.
  Lifting his wrists, he tended to them as the straps had sure taken their toll on him. "How long was I out? Have you heard anything from Shockwave… or Skywarp?" he asked, leaning up—only to be pushed back down.

  "Megatron, you need to take it easy. I had to strap you down because you were movin' all over the place whilst in sedation. That's not a good sign… The new bond on you has made it hard to be away from your partner, and the stress is beginning to affect you, not only emotionally, but physically, as well. Please take it easy," he explained, letting his hand go from Megatron's chest.

  As soon as the hand was off his body, Megatron sat back up. "Do you expect me to sit here and do nothing!? My mate it out there kidnapped by some sadistic fucker, and it's all my fault!" Megatron's voice was harsh and clear, and obviously angry and worried. "This wouldn't have happened if Shockwave wasn't with me. He was a perfect soldier. He didn't harm unless told to. He was just an innocent taking orders from a psychopath! If it wasn't for me, he would not have been in that army…" he said, his voice lowering, "he would have been safe."

  Karmashock knew that the self blame was going to happen. And even though some of Megatron's words were correct, it didn't mean that this was Megatron's fault. They had ended the war; it was others who still held grudges.
  "I need you to calm down, Megatron. You are in no position to fight or suffer from too much stress. Don't you know that the first few days of bonding have a tremendous affect on you?"  

  "It's not the fucking bond, it was that shit… poison or whatever it was that Skywarp drugged me with." Of course, he wasn't just going to sit here and do nothing, not while Shockwave was out there somewhere… And who knew what was being done to him in Skywarp's hands.
  The funny thing was, he knew Skywarp, and the 'bot couldn't have possibly come up with this plan all alone. Throughout the entire Decepticon war, Skywarp was nothing but a dim-witted idiot who couldn't even follow orders properly. No, someone else was involved; someone with the right criminal mind to control this entire operation.
  "I'm fine, I'm healthy, and this shit will drain out of me as soon as I go and take a piss. So just leave me be. I need to find Shockwave…" he said, getting to his feet and almost stumbling. Karmashock looked at him with a face saying 'I told you so,' but he didn't give in. He was stubborn, but with reason. "It's the sedatives…" he blamed.

  Karmashock shook his head. But he knew better than to make Megatron stay in this room, cooped up like he had once been inside the asylum he was kept in when younger. "I'll let you go, Megatron, but only if you promise me something."

  Meeting with the slate optics, Megatron swallowed, "That depends on what promise it is, Doctor."

  "I want you to promise me that you will not go out there by yourself and look for Shockwave. You are in no condition to be running around in danger. And you need to know that this isn't your fault. Someone couldn't get over it like you have… it just makes them the weaker one."

  Megatron's optics lowered as he thought for a moment. There was no chance in Hell that he was going to stop blaming himself for this. He knew the reason to why someone would kidnap his mate… and everything that was wrong was only happening around him.
  "I will not sit or stand here whilst my bonded is being tormented and not knowing of what has become of him, Karmashock," he said sternly. "I was a leader once, and that means that I am strong enough to push my body to do anything. Even if it's suffering at it's worst."

  Sighing, Karmashock knew that he couldn't exactly control Megatron, and he didn't want to lock him up like he had once been. That wasn't the right way to go. But Megatron needed to realise that all of this was probably a trap just to get back at him. Shockwave was just the bait.
  Walking to the taller mech, the therapist looked into his crimson optics. He didn't fear them like most would have, but that was because most never saw what was behind the casings. It wasn't evil, it was just hurt. "Please, Megatron. It's just a trap. If you want Shockwave to be safe, I suggest you wait on hearing from the kidnapper, and then following their orders so that he's unharmed. They wouldn't have left a note behind if they didn't wanna negotiate something."

  "Karmashock, I've been around criminals all my life, do you think I don't now what they want? I'd rather myself be taken than for Shockwave to be harmed in any way possible. I know very well that they are out to get me. I am the target. But I don't care… I want to know where Shockwave is, and I want to get him back!"
  Pushing past Karmashock, he nudged him hard, only to show his frustration. He didn't care for anything or anyone right now, and not even his own safety. He just wanted his lover back, and for him to be safe.   

  "And where are you going to look, Megatron?" Karmashock stated with the fullest sympathy. "Shockwave could be anywhere… You know how big Cybertron is. And not just it's surface. The place is a concrete jungle, and before you find him, I'm sure they'd find you first. That's their goal, Megatron. You need to wait for contact. Trust me; it will only be a short while…"

  Turning, Megatron's jaw tightened as he looked back to his new therapist. "And what do you think they would have done to Shockwave by then, huh!?" he spat. "There is no time that can be wasted. Don't you understand!?"

  "Don't you understand? You're not that mech anymore, Megatron. And your body needs its rest!" Pinching the bridge of his nose, Karmashock sighed. "If you can't stay, then I have no other option but to make you stay."

  Megatron's lips opened to say something, but then closed, his sharp canines fitting together. "Fine," he muttered, walking out of the room and down the corridor. He didn't wish to be locked up or strapped down, so his only option was to stay here and wait. And for how long? What if Shockwave was already dead by now? No, he was still alive; otherwise his spark would be aching terribly from the freshly made bond.
   Reaching his quarters, he opened the door and stood in the threshold, his palm slipping down the edge of the door. Everything was just still so perfect and untouched. Just the way they had left it before they had gone to Cybertron. Even the scent of his lover's metal was still inside the room.
  Walking to the berth, he sat down, his head down as his optics gazed to the sheets below. They were unwashed, and the scent was still there. Shockwave's body had been here… next to his own as they had slept, talked, made love… even fought. And now, all of it just seemed so unreal. As if Shockwave had never been there. It just wasn't fair. But then who was he to say what was fair and what wasn't? It wasn't fair on the so many lives that he had stolen and violated. And so this was his punishment. Maybe he deserved it. But Shockwave most definitely didn't.
  And to think, none of this would have happened if he hadn't have been so sick minded when he was younger. Well, that and that he was mentally ill due to what had been done to him. But when it came down to the end of it all, there was only one to blame. And it was him. He still could have resisted if he had been strong enough, but he hadn't been. He had been weak, and he had given into his darkest temptations—fantasies that some may have, but should never go fulfilled. This wouldn't have happened if he had cut the thing between his legs off years ago when he had first attempted.
  As he swallowed hard and his hands clenched around the sheets, he was forced to let go as there was three solid knocks to his door. If that was Karmashock, he was going to give him a serious lecture. Luckily for him, when he opened it, it wasn't. Instead, he would have preferred it be his therapist… not Starscream.

  The Seeker frowned as he looked to his once leader. "Megatron… I heard the bad news," he said, his high-toned voice somewhat soft. "How are you holding up?"

  Halving his optics in annoyance, Megatron let the Seeker inside. "How do you expect me to be holding up, Starscream? I am newly bonded and torn away from my bond-mate. My spark is aching, and what is worse, is that I can't do anything about it. I am stuck here… Not because I am under orders from Karmashock, but because I know that honestly, Shockwave could be anywhere on Cybertron… It would be like finding a needle in a hay stack."

  Well… true. Cybertron was well populated now. And the underground tunnels were massive. "I'm sure he will come up somewhere, Megatron. I just… I can't believe this would happen. And Skywarp of all mechs? I thought he was over the war long ago…"

  Flashing a moody look to Starscream, Megatron folded his arms. "I don't think it's just Skywarp. He doesn't have the processor for something like this. Someone else is ordering him around," he frowned, sighing and rubbing his chin with his hand. "Look, I appreciate your concern, Starscream, but I just need time to think…"

  Looking to his former leader, the red and white 'bot nodded. "I understand. Prime has alerted the Cybertronian police force, and they have organised a group of well trained officers to help with your situation. But if you need a friend… I know I have not always been the best of soldiers, Megatron, and I know I may not be what someone is looking for in a friend. But I am willing to listen to you if you need to vent on someone."

  Megatron stayed silent for a moment before looking up. "Starscream, I am in no position to get all mushy on you. And you're right, you aren't exactly what I am looking for in a friend, as I am not looking for one. I appreciate your sympathy, but I don't want it. I just want Shockwave back, and sitting here and doing nothing about it and being all sentimental isn't going to get him back."  
  Looking back to the Seeker, Megatron left it at that, seeing Starscream nod his head. Good, he understood. And yes, Megatron knew he was being blunt, but since when did he care about what others felt when he was being a dick head (except for Shockwave)?
  As Starscream had begun to walk away, all of a sudden the vid-comm. on his wall went off. Almost instinctively running to it, Megatron flicked the screen on and accepted the transmission. It was fuzzy and almost covered in static, but as a few seconds passed, it began to pick up a clearer image. And there, in the middle, was Skywarp.
  "Skywarp, you bastard. Where the fuck is Shockwave, you filthy glitch!?" Megatron yelled, Starscream deciding to come into view. On screen, Skywarp smirked as he folded his arms.

  "I see you and Shockwave enjoyed my little gift," Skywarp smirked. As Megatron was about to say something, the Seeker lifted his hand to shush his once leader. "If you think that I am looking for a negotiation, you are wrong. I am not in this for the money, Megatron. I'm in this for the own personal pleasure of pay back. You've ruined far too many lives to get off so damn easily, Megatron… even you know that."

  Grinding his teeth together, Megatron sneered. "Do you think that I don't live in regret, Skywarp!? Do you think that I like what I have done and caused to so many innocent lives!?" he spat, his fist slamming down into the table. "I should rot in the depths of Hell for what I have done, and I know that! But Shockwave was always a loyal soldier and always a good mech. He doesn't deserve this."
  He knew that he was getting off easy by law, but was easy living with regret every single day? He knew what he had done was wrong, but he wouldn't deny that he still had desires and that he did enjoy the pleasure through what he had done. But that didn't mean that he enjoyed the act of what had happened to them. But he couldn't take it back now, and that's the way it would always be. Yes, he had raped, and therefore he was a rapist. But it didn't mean that he did it anymore, but he would forever be categorised underneath that title. It's just the way it was.

  On screen, Skywarp gave a toothy grin. "Well, well, well, someone is feisty today. Why don't you take a pill, Megatron? Oh, I forgot, not even medications works for your sick and twisted mind. You will always be what you have done, and your desires will always be there. Even for Shockwave. Just imagine, Megatron… Shockwave lying there, underneath you as you reap what is rightfully yours. Tell me, are you the type that harms and tells them they deserve it, or are you the silent type that begs for attention, making them say that they want it?"

  "No!" Megatron yelled, slamming his fist down onto the table. No, he wouldn't think like that. He could never hurt Shockwave. And so yes, he may have desires, but it was Shockwave being untouchable that made him live this life. It was a reason to go on. He was his rock—so to speak—and he would never harm him… even if given the full chance to.
  Skywarp's words may have been the truth, but he wasn't going to stand here and let the mech rip him apart like that. Not without a fight, anyway. "I've moved on, Skywarp. I'm not to think like that anymore, and I sure as Hell wouldn't hurt Shockwave. So why don't you give it up already? You and everyone else out there know that you could never devise a plan like this. So who are you following? Who is your leader? Why don't you show who the real brains are behind this operation, huh? You were nothing but an incompetent idiot when you were in my army, and you will always be nothing more than that. All you do is follow orders. You don't have a real purpose in life."

  Skywarp's face fell as he was told about his idiocy. But this only made it worse for Megatron. Narrowing his optics, he sneered to Megatron. "Fine, if I'm such a moron, well then I'll show you what a moron can do for revenge!"
  He fiddled with something off-screen, making the screen split into two. On the other half, an image of a figure sitting came through, the lights flashing bright to show it was Shockwave. He was tied to the chair, chains holding him down in what seemed to be a small cell of some sort.
  "Could a moron control over one-hundred drones, Megatron? Could a moron work the cameras and the lighting, as well as the computer here? No, I don't think so. And just for that, you're going to get front row seats to a torture device that I have been working on."

  Optics wide, Megatron looked to the limp figure in the seat. Shockwave was covered in oil and what seemed like soot. What had they been doing to him? "Shockwave…!" he spoke, as if hoping the mech could hear him. At this point in time, Starscream had placed his hand onto Megatron's shoulder.

  "Megatron… I… I don't know what to say…" said the scarlet Seeker.

  Pushing his hand from his shoulder, Megatron almost ripped Starscream's hand off. "Don't touch me, Starscream. If you hadn't have been away all this time, then maybe you could have paid attention to what your stupid Seeker was doing all this time. This is partially your fault!"
  Okay, so he knew deep down inside that he was only tearing up others because he was hurting so much inside—that and it was a good escape rout to blaming himself for not knowing that something like this would have happened. It was inevitable for him to live a 'normal' life. Not with his past. He was foolish to think that after he commanded the war was over, that it really would stay that way. And even with law on Cybertron, nothing could stop others from becoming Neo Decepticons.

  Starscream stood, a little shocked. But then again, it was to be expected from his former leader. "I'm sorry, Megatron… but Skywarp is no longer my responsibility. I gave that up when you ended this war. Just as you gave up all of your soldiers."

  "Well I'm beginning to think that was a mistake now, wasn't it?" Megatron snapped, though feeling bad as he knew it was only his fault. "We should have all been taken as prisoners. At least we would have gotten what we deserved…"
  Looking to the screen, Skywarp had disappeared and gone into the second screen where Shockwave was seated. Megatron's feelings were mixed with hate, rage, hurt and fear. It was emotional turmoil for him, and something that he had felt many times, but could never get used to. What mattered worse was that he could do nothing but watch. He knew all too well from his own forms of punishment that yelling at a screen wasn't going to do anything. It would only provoke the tormentor as they knew it was hurting the punished.

  On screen, Skywarp walked behind Shockwave, opening a small switchblade and fingering the point of it. "Megatron sends his wishes, Shockwave. Unfortunately, he's not able to help, but he is able to hear and see you. So, if you wish, have you any words for your mate before I set my new invention on you?"

  Shockwave shifted, his optic blinded by the cloth around the top of his head. "Go to Hell, Skywarp," he said, his accent thick with disgust. He didn't believe a word that Skywarp said that Megatron could hear. Unlike Megatron, he didn't know that Skywarp was in this just to torture him or to hurt his lover, instead, all he knew was that he was the source of kidnap—yes, most likely to cause worry for Megatron, but not just the sheer pleasure of it. There had to be a reason he was alive here.

  Megatron's jaw clenched tighter, his optics narrowing as Skywarp grabbed something dark and jagged. Skywarp's body covered the instrument as it was locked onto Shockwave's front. And then as he moved away, it showed a horrid device that was strapped around his lover's chest. Two deadly arms were attached to a rod that came from the middle. Megatron didn't know what they were for, but he sure as Hell didn't want to find out. Unfortunately for him, there was no choice.
  Feeling Starscream over his shoulder, the former tyrant looked to him for a second. "You're a scientist, Starscream… Tell me what that device is going to do to Shockwave…" If this was Skywarp's invention, he doubted that Starscream would actually know. But being a scientist and a partial engineer, he may have a small insight to what it could do.

  Starscream's optics halved as he looked into Megatron's worried ones. It was rare to see Megatron like this, and when he was seen so… helpless, it was almost painful. "I'm sorry, Megatron… I've never seen anything like it. I can only estimate a guess, but it's just as good as yours."
  Placing a hand onto Megatron's dark one, he felt his former leader jump slightly. And looking back to his optics, he felt Megatron's hand slip from underneath his. "I'm sorry. All I can tell you is that old torture devices with arms… usually aren't a good sign for the spark-chamber."

  Spark-chamber? No… Skywarp couldn't do anything to Shockwave's spark… it was connected through the bond to Megatron's as well. The pain wouldn't be the same, but it would still be a fight to go through.
  Returning his optics to the screen, Megatron watched as Skywarp wore an eager grin on his face. He felt his own optics narrow once more as the Seeker wore such pride in his actions. He knew wrong from right now, and it sickened him that someone with Skywarp's knowledge of basics could still go and do something like this.

  "Very well, then," Skywarp said, fastening the last connection point. "If you don't believe me, well then maybe this will change your mind." Flicking a small switch to the side, he allowed the voice-comm. to connect through. "Say something, Megatron."

  Opening his mouth to speak, many words wanted to come out. He had cruel insults that wanted to come out, he wanted to yell at Skywarp, and at the same time, he wanted to reassure Shockwave that he would be okay. But that was a lie, because he had no idea what that device was going to do. Instead, he closed it, not saying a single word.

  Starscream looked to Megatron, his optic ridges arching in confusion to his silence. "Say something!" he whispered so the comm. wouldn't pick him up.

  "No," said Megatron, moving Starscream's hand away from the button. "If I say something, and I let Shockwave know that I am suffering this torture… it will only make it worse. I don't want Shockwave to know that Skywarp is getting what he pleases out of me. I won't have it."

  That was something the scarlet Seeker wasn't expecting. All he knew Megatron to do was scream and yell when he was pissed off about something. But this? This was a whole new side to him. "I understand…" he said, nodding lightly.

  On screen, Shockwave waited to hear the husky voice of his former leader. Instead, he was met with nothing but silence and an impatient growl from Skywarp, hearing him order Megatron to speak once more. "You're a liar," he whispered, smugness in his voice. "You have nothing, Skywarp, you and-ahh!" he was cut off from his sentence as the claws in front of him tore off his chest plating. He panted, his hand clenching down onto the arm chair.

  "Don't ever speak his name! You are not permitted of such worthiness," Skywarp threatened, getting the small blade and running it along the very cable that would be a human jugular. He sensed the larger 'bot tense at his words and smiled once more. "After all, you know the consequences if that be the case… don't you, Shockwave?"

  Moving his head to the side to avoid the blade, Shockwave nodded. "You will rot for your actions… both you and your accomplice."

  So there was another 'bot involved in this. Megatron knew that Skywarp didn't have the brains to concoct a plan of such difficulty. He was surprised that he could even invent something.
  As Skywarp held the remote control, Megatron's optics clenched shut as he felt searing pain enter his chest. The noise was like a blade against metal, screeching inside his audio receptors. But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst was the intense cry of his mate as the claws stripped parts of his inner chest-plate and around his spark. He was being tormented… Tortured.
  As colour pulsed back into his optics, he breathed as the pain disintegrated, his palms shaky as he gripped the table's edges. "Starscream… get help… Get anyone…!" he breathed out, straining as another wave of pain entered his chest, strangling his spark.  

  "Ahhh!" screamed Shockwave, his body tensing dramatically as another strip if metal was scratched and ruined. It felt like nothing but raw pain, like his skin was being opened with a rusted blade, catching on the flesh and only tearing it up more from being blunt.
  As the claws left once more, he heard the distinct laughter of Skywarp. The little bastard was enjoying this. No, he wouldn't let him have that pride! He had learnt the ways of torture. It was in his job when he served as a Military Operations Commander under Megatron. And he would not let Skywarp and his accomplice have that satisfaction.  

  As Megatron's knees gave in, he fell to the floor, his hands clutching at the desk to pull himself back up. It was to no avail. The pain was too severe. He only knew that if it was this painful for him, then it would be tenfold for Shockwave.
  Breathing, he groaned as his spark pulsed within his chest. It felt as if it was being strangled by an ungodly force. Each pulse grew more painful than the last, and he felt his optics beginning to grow white with pain. It was like nothing he had ever felt before. And then all of a sudden, it was gone.
  Heaving, he leaned up, hearing silence from the monitor in front of him. On screen, Skywarp sneered that Shockwave had fallen silent. And a small smile creased Megatron's lips. Shockwave was stronger than he thought. He wasn't giving in.

  Skywarp lifted the corner of his lip in disgust. So, Shockwave was going to play hardball. Well, he didn't have time to deal with the brat right now. Placing the remote on the bench, he walked to the front of Shockwave, taking his blindfold off. "I think you've gone through enough for the time being. I don't have time for your ignorance right now. You'll get what's coming to you soon, Shockwave. And next time, I will make sure that you scream for your life."
  Unbuckling the machine, he roughly placed it on the table, undoing the shackles around Shockwave's wrists. "Droids! Take him back to his holding cell," he ordered, the small beings coming out of the darkness and taking the weakened body out of sight.
  Returning to the small camera inside the room, he bared his teeth, "Next time, Megatron, I'll make you acknowledge the torture being presented to you. Until then, don't be too weakened by your fresh, little bond."

  About to say something, Megatron didn't have time as the screen went black, cutting off the connection. "Fucker…" he whispered, leaning himself down over the desk. His chest felt weak, his spark trying hard to pump regularly within the casing. And he felt his legs give way once more, making him fall to the floor. At that time, Starscream walked inside the room with Prime and Karmashock by his side.

  Running to Megatron's aid, Starscream leaned down. "Megatron, what happened…? Are you alright?" he asked, almost too petty-like for his old master. As he leaned down, Megatron pushed him from him, telling him that he didn't need his help.
  Standing back, he allowed Megatron to push himself to his pedes, the taller mech leaning himself against the table behind him. "You will need to tell Prime what happened."

  "No, first he needs to rest," Karmashock pushed in. "He's obviously gone through enough for the time being. He needs to be checked medically, and calmed down."

  "Stop it!" Megatron yelled, eyeing them. "I am not to be thrown around like some insignificant child. My bond-mate is being tortured, and all you can think about is how I am physically? I don't give a fuck how I am right now! All I want is Shockwave to be safe, and none of you are doing shit about it!" he growled. "How dare you sit and do nothing while an innocent mech is being violated!?"
  As all fell silent in what seemed to be their own shame, Megatron pushed past them and marched to the door. "Now, if you don't mind, I want to be alone… I don't need you hounding me. I need you helping Shockwave, and until one of you have information on helping him, I will not speak to any of you! Now get out!"

  As Prime was about to say something, Karmashock shushed him. He wasn't taking control of the situation; he was just doing what was best for Megatron at this certain time. "Megatron, we will leave, but if you ever need to talk, know that I'm here to stay on the Ark until you no longer need me."

  Megatron's reply was a stern look, letting them know that he wanted them gone now. Finally getting the point, they left him and closed the door behind them. Good, he really didn't have time for them to all be nurturing him right now. Didn't they see what was important? Okay, so he understood that they didn't want him worrying, but it was inevitable.
  Leaning down onto his berth, he breathed heavily, placing his palm against his chest and rubbing it. The tight feeling was still lingering, but it wasn't as bad as it had been. He just needed to relax more. And he knew that if this was what he was feeling, then Shockwave must be aching.

*****      
  As the drones dragged Shockwave's tired body to the holding cell downstairs, they locked his door securely before leaving—one remaining to be the guard. Sore and tired, Shockwave pushed himself into a sitting position as he was thrown down. "Filthy glitches," he whispered breathlessly, his optic darkening.
  Leaning his back against the wall, he exhaled sharply as pain stabbed into his chest. It wasn't permanently damaged, but the scratches were still raw. They would take time to heal—at least as few days anyway.
  Hearing something, he flinched, turning his head. "Don't be alarmed," said a familiar voice. He tired to focus his optic in the darkness, but it wouldn't work, and Skywarp had shut down his ray systems so he couldn't see in the dark. Instead, he crawled his way over to the cell next to him to see a lightly coloured mech. Before he could speak, the other 'bot cut him off.

  "Shockwave… we need to get out of here. I don't care if you have no desire to get out, or if all hope is lost. We are going to find a way out, even if it kills us…"